i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
