Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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