Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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