Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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