His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
