census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
