Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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