i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
