I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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