Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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