I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
