8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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