You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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