I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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