quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
