I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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