She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
