I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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