Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
