4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
