Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
