I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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