She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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