Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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