3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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