when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
3pm strippers are depressing
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
