Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
