So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
