This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
