I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
