it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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