Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
