Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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