I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
