Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The power of my boobs compel you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
