Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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