Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
