I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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