I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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