Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
