Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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