ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
