I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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