It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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