After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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