I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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