i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
