I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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