and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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