if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
